All the Drinks, All the Food

I'm starting to see parallels between my relationship with alcohol and food.

I have struggled with weight, body image, and food my entire life. I was six years old the first time I recall becoming self-conscious about my size. Over the past couple of years, I ascribed to a ketogenic diet, and it was the first time in my entire life I felt in control of food intake for more than a few months at a time. But time and self-care got away from me, and I didn't make it a priority to make on-plan foods. I subsisted on almonds and hamburgers, and my weight crept up while I became increasingly dissatisfied with my limited variety of food choices. After a few months, I decided to do a week-long fast for both spiritual and health reasons. I expected it would help my body do a "reset." At the end of it, I had lost six pounds and found myself eating well and on plan.

A week later, I had gained back all six pounds. So I decided to eat cereal. Bowl after bowl of sugary cereal with sugary, whole milk. If I was going to gain weight anyway, why not enjoy the food along the way?

Fast-forward four months, and I refuse to step on a scale to even see how much weight I've gained. My clothes are tight and I feel miserable about my choices and the outcome. But here's what I've noticed. Once I make one bad choice, I feel like I'd better eat every unhealthy morsel I can get my hands on. I'm already spiraling down, so I'd damn well better enjoy it. The same thing I did with alcohol! "I already screwed up and drank last night. I don't even feel like drinking tonight, but by God, if I'm going to be an alcoholic, I'm going to drink until I feel good EVERY NIGHT." Obviously not healthy thinking.

Having identified this, I've managed to go all day so far with no carb binge (the first in a long time). I've had some foods I really like, some things that my body doesn't process at optimum levels, but most of the food has been healthy, and none of it has been off-the-rails junk food. My lunch probably had a few more carbs than I really needed, but I enjoyed every bit of it, I felt satisfied, I didn't eat until I was miserable, and it didn't make me think I might as well gobble down three bowls of Cocoa Puffs for an afternoon snack.

So, self, here are some thoughts to refer to next time you feel like all is lost because your food choices didn't fit your current definition of perfection:


  1. Hitting the target 50% of the time still blesses you. Even if you don't notice a change in your weight, you feel infinitely better just making good choices. It's better for your body, too.
  2. God loves you no matter how you look or what you eat. You don't deserve to be punished.
  3. Every bite, every meal is a new choice, and a chance to do well. Embrace it! It doesn't matter how the last meal went or how the next meal will go. This meal matters.
  4. The time it takes to prepare good-for-you food is usually more than outweighed by the inordinate time it takes to shovel junk in your face for an endless afternoon binge, and the crappy, sluggish feeling you get afterward is also a huge time waster. Invest the time to make the chocolate protein drink and forgo the junk - it's worth it, not just for how you feel, but for the overall amount of time saved in the end.
My primary focus right now is staying sober, not just by abstaining from alcohol, but by working diligently through my personal and specific dysfunction. Food and body image are secondary because, while they are big issues, alcohol is the thing that can ruin everything for me. Seeing the parallels between food and alcohol is eye-opening, though. I'm sure I have plenty more work to do on this front, but this is what I have to give myself today.

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