Yes, I Really Did Have a Problem
First off, I got my first blog comment! Yay! Even though I'm writing this for me, it's a super cool bonus to connect with other people along the way. It reinforces that I'm not alone. Thanks, w3stie. :)
I spent yesterday evening explaining to my counselor that I really am a problem drinker. When I told her I didn't want to wrestle with alcohol anymore, she told me it might be a good idea to have in mind that I'm going to stop drinking for now, not forever.
I've only seen her a few times, so she doesn't know my story well. So I explained to her how I drank 12 to 16 ounces of straight liquor every night before I met my husband, and have been creeping back toward that recently. I told her how hard a fight it's been to avoid going back to that place. After talking through those things, she agreed alcohol is definitely not for me, now or ever. It was therapeutic to convince someone of my alcohol problems, because earlier in the day, my brain had been trying to trick me into thinking I didn't really have a problem with alcohol. Shut up, brain. Explaining it to someone else helped cement it in my brain for one more day. I've wasted 18 years worrying about my alcohol intake. I'm done with that!
My counselor gave me a few great tips to keep in mind:
I spent yesterday evening explaining to my counselor that I really am a problem drinker. When I told her I didn't want to wrestle with alcohol anymore, she told me it might be a good idea to have in mind that I'm going to stop drinking for now, not forever.
I've only seen her a few times, so she doesn't know my story well. So I explained to her how I drank 12 to 16 ounces of straight liquor every night before I met my husband, and have been creeping back toward that recently. I told her how hard a fight it's been to avoid going back to that place. After talking through those things, she agreed alcohol is definitely not for me, now or ever. It was therapeutic to convince someone of my alcohol problems, because earlier in the day, my brain had been trying to trick me into thinking I didn't really have a problem with alcohol. Shut up, brain. Explaining it to someone else helped cement it in my brain for one more day. I've wasted 18 years worrying about my alcohol intake. I'm done with that!
My counselor gave me a few great tips to keep in mind:
- It's not that I CAN'T have alcohol; I'm choosing to give it up.
- Anxiety and depression are going to come and go at times. It's ok to feel them. It's ok to be uncomfortable. Life isn't always feeling good. Living through the negative feelings is worth what I gain from sobriety.
So I am hanging onto these thoughts today. I've been a little jittery and uncomfortable the past couple of days, and that's okay. These feelings will pass.
Last night, I also tossed the low-dose Ativan my doctor prescribes me for anxiety. I've never taken more than I should, and never felt any particular affinity for it. But I do use it to relax even when I'm not feeling full-blown panic, and I'm realizing that's not good. I need to learn to live without using addictive substances to manipulate my state of mind, even subtly. Also, my counselor reminded me that the potential for transferring addiction from one substance to another is real. So down the drain it went. I won't lie - it was painful to watch. After it was gone, I retreated to my bedroom and used some calming essential oils, then took a melatonin before bed. I felt kind of weird even taking melatonin, but I slept terribly the night before, and it really helped me get some great rest.
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