Happy and Healthy
I'm hyper-aware of EVERYTHING right now.
Today, as we have wound down our homeschool year and I'm finally finding a little space to breathe, I'm thinking about how I very quickly transitioned from being basically a functional alcoholic (pre-marriage days) to a wife and mom who worked really hard to control her alcohol intake. These have been my identities - party girl, hermit alcoholic, and reluctant lush wife/mom.
I received a behavioral health report for my middle son today, and it concluded with, "C is a delightful child with an amazing mother who is committed to helping him succeed." Wow, what a lovely thing to read in black and white. I love being a mother so, so very much. I've been largely successful, not drinking until the kids are in bed, rarely being markedly hung over, and essentially building my life around shaping these little hearts and minds. Surely not drinking will make me a far better mother, and I was doing a decent job to begin with.
But I don't know who I am when you strip away this role. Who am I? I'm stumped by this question. How does one find out? I suppose the unfolding of the next weeks and months will tell, and I'm scared.
In fact, sitting here mulling over my feelings, typing them out, puts a very nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like it's extremely important to be aware of my feelings right now, and to document them so 1) I can work them out in my mind, and 2) I don't forget everything I am going through and decide it's OK to drink again. But, being honest, I feel like I'm being ridiculous. Making a mountain out of a molehill. Obsessing about myself when I should be happy and healthy, and caring for my family.
I KNOW THIS ISN'T TRUE. Caring for myself is caring for my family. Working out these thoughts and feelings is caring for my family. I haven't been happy or healthy in a long time, and this is part of getting there. Keep at it, self.
Today, as we have wound down our homeschool year and I'm finally finding a little space to breathe, I'm thinking about how I very quickly transitioned from being basically a functional alcoholic (pre-marriage days) to a wife and mom who worked really hard to control her alcohol intake. These have been my identities - party girl, hermit alcoholic, and reluctant lush wife/mom.
I received a behavioral health report for my middle son today, and it concluded with, "C is a delightful child with an amazing mother who is committed to helping him succeed." Wow, what a lovely thing to read in black and white. I love being a mother so, so very much. I've been largely successful, not drinking until the kids are in bed, rarely being markedly hung over, and essentially building my life around shaping these little hearts and minds. Surely not drinking will make me a far better mother, and I was doing a decent job to begin with.
But I don't know who I am when you strip away this role. Who am I? I'm stumped by this question. How does one find out? I suppose the unfolding of the next weeks and months will tell, and I'm scared.
In fact, sitting here mulling over my feelings, typing them out, puts a very nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like it's extremely important to be aware of my feelings right now, and to document them so 1) I can work them out in my mind, and 2) I don't forget everything I am going through and decide it's OK to drink again. But, being honest, I feel like I'm being ridiculous. Making a mountain out of a molehill. Obsessing about myself when I should be happy and healthy, and caring for my family.
I KNOW THIS ISN'T TRUE. Caring for myself is caring for my family. Working out these thoughts and feelings is caring for my family. I haven't been happy or healthy in a long time, and this is part of getting there. Keep at it, self.
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