I am Sober
I'm finding it incredibly helpful to think of myself as sober, rather than just "not drinking." It comes with a sense of identity and community that really lifts me up. Sometimes I struggle with claiming this label, because it's easy for me to look at other ex-drinkers and think, "You're not one of these people. Who do you think you are, acting like your experience has been this bad? Don't be dramatic!"
Maybe this is true, maybe it isn't. The bottom line is it doesn't matter. Every time I've ever attempted to cut back or stop drinking, I've always ended up standing with a drink in my hand thinking, "Whatever. I'm a pathetic drunk. Might as well chug it down, because this is just what I am." Now, I can replace that thought with, "I am sober." This one word has so many other meanings. "I am worth not drinking. I am in control. I do not have to have a drink. I don't need to make this feeling go away. I can ride it out."
I am sober, and it is wonderful. (And, btw, deep down I know, yes, of course I was a problem drinker.)
Today, I also the had the first experience in my 12 days of sobriety that made me jump immediately to thinking I wanted to drink. I've had physical cravings here and there, but this was different. It was a strong psychological urge to act out. I was having a stressful back-and-forth conversation between my son's doctor and our insurance company, trying to figure out how much something was going to cost. The doctor's staff was being really unhelpful, not even really trying to get the information I needed and acting like I was being a difficult patient for trying to find out. The insurance company didn't have the info I needed, because the doctor's billing person, who wouldn't help me, was the person who was supposed to have the information. I hung up feeling angry and defeated, and my mind immediately jumped to visions of drinking lots and lots of rum and ginger beer later tonight.
Now that I think about it, the last time I took a break from drinking, what prompted me to start again was encountering a very unpleasant stranger in public who tried to boss my kids around and said nasty things about the fact that I had them with me. So I'm trying to pick this apart. Today, I felt really powerless, and I think that was part of what made me want to drink. Anger sometimes makes me want to drink, too, but I think there's more to it, underneath the anger. I wonder if there's also a sense of shame underneath everything. A stranger saying terrible things to me, a billing person treating me like I was a nuisance for wanting information... both easy sources of shame for someone who has feelings of shame buried deep down, and boy does alcohol dull that terrible feeling for a few hours. I need to look further into this, but I'm not sure where to go with it. I guess being aware is a good start. This time, I'm not going to turn to a drink to feel better. Not worth it! I am sober!
Maybe this is true, maybe it isn't. The bottom line is it doesn't matter. Every time I've ever attempted to cut back or stop drinking, I've always ended up standing with a drink in my hand thinking, "Whatever. I'm a pathetic drunk. Might as well chug it down, because this is just what I am." Now, I can replace that thought with, "I am sober." This one word has so many other meanings. "I am worth not drinking. I am in control. I do not have to have a drink. I don't need to make this feeling go away. I can ride it out."
I am sober, and it is wonderful. (And, btw, deep down I know, yes, of course I was a problem drinker.)
Today, I also the had the first experience in my 12 days of sobriety that made me jump immediately to thinking I wanted to drink. I've had physical cravings here and there, but this was different. It was a strong psychological urge to act out. I was having a stressful back-and-forth conversation between my son's doctor and our insurance company, trying to figure out how much something was going to cost. The doctor's staff was being really unhelpful, not even really trying to get the information I needed and acting like I was being a difficult patient for trying to find out. The insurance company didn't have the info I needed, because the doctor's billing person, who wouldn't help me, was the person who was supposed to have the information. I hung up feeling angry and defeated, and my mind immediately jumped to visions of drinking lots and lots of rum and ginger beer later tonight.
Now that I think about it, the last time I took a break from drinking, what prompted me to start again was encountering a very unpleasant stranger in public who tried to boss my kids around and said nasty things about the fact that I had them with me. So I'm trying to pick this apart. Today, I felt really powerless, and I think that was part of what made me want to drink. Anger sometimes makes me want to drink, too, but I think there's more to it, underneath the anger. I wonder if there's also a sense of shame underneath everything. A stranger saying terrible things to me, a billing person treating me like I was a nuisance for wanting information... both easy sources of shame for someone who has feelings of shame buried deep down, and boy does alcohol dull that terrible feeling for a few hours. I need to look further into this, but I'm not sure where to go with it. I guess being aware is a good start. This time, I'm not going to turn to a drink to feel better. Not worth it! I am sober!
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