Sweet Relief

I have a date night with my husband this evening, and I have a new sense of peace. Date nights past were fraught with questions like, "Should I have a glass of wine before we leave?" "Are we going to drink?" "How much will I drink?" "Should we go to a bar after dinner?" "Will there be an open liquor store on the way home in case I want more?" "Am I going to pass out when we get home?" "Will I feel like crap tomorrow?" Date night was always a welcome chance to decompress, but it also ultimately became a new source of anxiety and stress. I'm so thankful it's just a chance to relax tonight.

In my pseudo-sober period a few years ago, after date night dinner we went to a coffee shop to play board games and talk. There was a comforting freedom in just sitting there quietly with my husband, enjoying the calm of the evening and not chasing a feeling. On many subsequent, non-sober date nights, I've thought longingly of that night. I always have the sense that I don't deserve an evening like that. Alcohol became both my escape and a conscious way to abuse myself as punishment for using it in the first place. I suppose I also feared that if I didn't use alcohol, I'd have time to feel the fear and guilt of having over-used it in the first place, so just continuing to hide in an altered consciousness - even when I didn't really want to drink - seemed like the safest option. What an incredibly warped relationship.

Note to self: If you ever relapse, please read this over and over and over. You don't deserve the punishment of drinking more, it doesn't make things better, and stopping isn't scary; it is beautiful, sweet relief.