The Luxury of Saying No

I was so tired this weekend. I read this is a normal part of recovery, but I wasn't exactly an all-day drinker, so it's hard to wrap my head around it. I haven't drank in 15 days. I should be feeling good, right? I felt like I was just dragging myself around all day Friday and Saturday, and on Sunday I took a three-hour nap in the middle of the day. Patience is so hard for me, but I know I need to stop intervening and actually work through my feelings without trying to change them. This is a good, if frustrating, opportunity to practice.

I went to an event that was heavy on drinking this weekend. It was a good first test - a daytime, family event. I actually felt more freedom than restriction. I never did care for drinking during the day, but sometimes felt compelled to. Someone offered me a shot, and it was nice that I didn't even have to consider my answer. In the past, I may have said yes without even wanting to. I spent a lot of time quietly observing the drinkers, and realized I had absolutely no desire to join them. Some were getting completely wasted - definitely not what I wanted to be doing at 5:00 on a Saturday with my children in tow. Others were slowly nursing one or two drinks. If I did that, I would have been tired and cranky.

When I was drinking, there was some sick part of me that said yes to the first drink even when I knew I didn't want it. I had given up on myself. There was a sense of feeling that I didn't deserve to say no. Now I can see it: saying no is a luxury, and yes, yes, yes, I deserve it!